Wow! I haven't posted in over 2 years and so much has happened. Carl and I now have a 15 month old named David Henry, I separated from the Air Force in July, and now Carl supports us fully in our wonderful little townhome that is within 1-2 miles of 1) a brand new library, 2) a lovely state park, 3) an international airport, and only a short drive from an outlet mall, a major city, and much, much more. We love it and God has been so faithful to provide for us.
I have been thinking about posting on here lately because fb just doesn't allow for the depth that I'd like to express at times, with things that are going on in our family, and things God is teaching me. Also, I feel like this takes a little more effort to seek out than lazily logging on to fb and viewing everyone's statuses (and maybe getting annoyed with them). If people log into my blog, that means they want to know what is going on with the Muellers.
I have really been struggling with ugly feelings over fb since getting out of the AF and staying at home full time (ie, having more time on my hands). I think my major issues are 1) I have so much time at home all day and end up getting on there way more than I should when I should be cherishing my time with David 2) checking out many of my old friends' pages/statuses makes me miss the special times we had and makes me get more wrapped up in the past when I need to be in the present 3) or I just struggle with feelings of envy or bitterness or even arrogance when I begin to know every little detail of a person's life! It's just too much sometimes! I don't want to know that you're surfing in Wakiki or what you had for lunch or why you love your boyfriend so much. 4) I hate that I get upset or feel this big (although I'd never let you know it) when you don't respond to my post or ever comment on my wall or pictures! Why are we friends if you don't even care enough to do that?!
So, in mid September, I "unfriended" over 100 people. I hate that I may have hurt feelings, but it was starting to overwhelm me and upset me for reasons I couldn't fully explain. I have reduced it to mostly family, and I think it will be smaller still in the future. It's like nothing is sacred anymore, with social networking. I WANT privacy and family secrets. Which is a far cry from college, when fb first came out and we all felt the need to friend everyone we've ever known. It's just too much. Most people come into your life, and you're supposed to just say goodbye and let them go. I am coming to grips with my own feelings for this, and am glad I'm able to better explain this now. I remember just being overwhelmed and upset in Sept when I hacked all those "friends" away. I told many of them that I prefer the "old-fashioned" correspondence of emailing! It's like a social dilemma...you've friended these people, but now it's just too much info or you want to share intimate things with your family, but EVERYONE ends up seeing it and either ignoring it or scoffing at it (...or being genuinely happy for you). So with people who you would have enjoyed wonderful memories with, but in past years, would have just said goodbye and moved on, we form these eternal friendships on fb and then when we can't keep them up, people get hurt and end up just wanting to unfriend old friends. Then feelings are hurt and the sweet memories are not so sweet anymore.
Or maybe I'm just reading way too much into this!! My husband just keeps his (hundreds of) old friends (he is a pleaser, bless his heart), and just really doesn't interact very much on fb. I think I crave to express myself and share, so with fb as my only medium, it begins to feel so empty and shallow.
I am involved in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) this year, and I came across a statement that slapped me across the face:
"The place you look for help, strength, and reassurance is a starting point for examining yourself. Do you require the security and comfort of social networking? Do you feel confident when you know your appearance is impressive, or when you can convince others you are intelligent and well-informed? Are you relieved by affirmation? These are all "false" in the sense that they will not secure your destiny or truly define a character that pleases God."
Wow! So many people try to impress others with their quotes or thoughts or pictures, but it will all fade away in the end. It doesn't matter what people think of you. The only One who matters is the Creator of the universe, the One who made you to fellowship with Him. Who are you trying to impress? What are your motivations?
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